“The Man in the Fallout Shelter”
Written By: Hart Hanson
Directed by: Greg Yaitanes
ANGELA: Sweetie, could you stop galloping for, like, two seconds?
BRENNAN: Better able to withstand peer pressure when you can’t catch me.
ANGELA: Call it a favor, okay?
BRENNAN: How is me going to a company Christmas party doing you a favor?
ANGELA: Remember what happened last year?
BRENNAN: I didn’t go last year.
ANGELA: Yeah, exactly. And it took me weeks to collect all those photocopies.
BRENNAN: Twenty minutes.
Cue Booth’s entrance. Again, he “saves the day” by bringing Brennan work!
BOOTH: Bones! All right.
BRENNAN: What’s the context?
Guess what? It’s a man in a fallout shelter!
BOOTH: Merry Christmas, Bones. Come on, boys, bring it in.
ANGELA: Oh, no. We are going to the company Christmas party.
BRENNAN: Booth, will you escort Angela to the Christmas party and make sure she doesn’t photocopy her butt?
Booth gets dragged away under protest. Enter the two kings of the lab, Zach with a robot.
HODGINS: You robot reminds me of you. You tell it to turn, it stops. You tell it to stop, it turns. You ask it to take out the garbage, it watches reruns of Firefly.
Everyone (including Booth) has left or avoided the party. Angela tries to rally the group.
ANGELA: Okay, you people listen to me. There is a party going on upstairs, okay? A Christmas party. We’re going up there. We’re gonna talk to some people, we’re gonna sing some carols, we’re gonna drink some eggnog.
Unfortunately, there is lab contamination. They are stuck.
BRENNAN: There’s no use panicking until we know what it is.
BOOTH: What what is?
HODGINS: Uh, we might know.
ZACK: I cut into the fallout shelter bones and the biohazard alarm went off.
GOODMAN: Were you conforming to autopsy protocol?
ZACK: One of us was.
HODGINS: The other was… drinking an eggnog.
GOODMAN: And you didn’t have your mask on. Oh…
HAL: The pathogen is coccidioidomycosis.
GOODMAN: Valley fever?
BOOTH: What’s valley fever?
ZACK: It’s a fungus that can lead to pneumonia, meningitis, spontaneous abortion, death.
HODGINS: Hey, I got into the decontamination shower with Zack. Haven’t I been through enough hell?
BOOTH: Is he contagious?
HAL: Dr. Hodgins may have inhaled the spores, yes. We have no choice but to impose quarantine. Valley fever can be fatal, and we can’t risk a pandemic. Just calm down and let us handle things from this side.
BOOTH: Okay, you know what? If this is fatal, I will shoot both of you.
After being told the treatment and protocol, Booth is still not satisfied.
BOOTH: Whoa, whoa, whoa. You’re saying that we’re stuck here over Christmas? Look, you know, I have… places to go, you know? I have obligations.
GOODMAN: We all have obligations.
They all try to assign blame.
ZACK: Who brought us human remains just to ditch a little paperwork?
BOOTH: Oh, you’re saying this is my fault?
GOODMAN: You knew Dr. Brennan could not resist.
Haha, the squints are onto Booth bringing her work all the time. LOL!
BRENNAN: I’d have been able to resist if I was in Niger, where I wanted to be.
GOODMAN: You’re blaming me.
We find out there may be side effects to the meds. Yep, enter stoned Booth!
BOOTH: I never realized how pretty all this shiny stuff is.
HODGINS: That is so not fair.
BOOTH: What are those little tiny lights dancing on the ceiling?
GOODMAN: For the third time, those are minute firings of neurons on your optic nerve due to your reaction to the antifungal cocktail.
BOOTH: Wow. They’re beautiful.
We get some backstory as Booth and Goodman share family stories. They both have kids!
BOOTH: You know, I have a kid too. His name’s Parker. He’s four years old. His mother wouldn’t marry me, so my parental rights are totally-
BOOTH: That word’s just a little bit Christmasier than what I was thinking.
Enter Brennan’s backstory…
ANGELA: It’s all so tragic. A cheap wedding ring sewn into his suit, two tickets to Paris. It makes you wonder. Who was the girl? Can you imagine what it was like for her, waiting and wondering, never knowing what happened.
BRENNAN: I don’t have to imagine.
Which brings me to one of my favorite Boothy pictures ever.
BOOTH: Bones, it’s after midnight. Hmm? Christmas Eve day. Both an eve and a day. It’s a Christmas miracle.
BRENNAN: Still enjoying your medication, I see…Well, how would you like me to spend my Christmas?
BOOTH: Christmas is the perfect time to reexamine your standing with, you know…
BRENNAN: A helicopter pilot?
BOOTH: Oh, right, right. You can’t measure the man upstairs in a beaker, so he can’t possibly exist.
BRENNAN: The man upstairs?
BOOTH: Mmm. You know, you don’t know if you’re sick, but you’re more than willing to take drugs just in case. It seems to me you could give the man upstairs the same benefit of the doubt that you do an invisible fungus.
(Might be one of the best presentations of Christianity to an atheist I’ve ever heard.)
Meanwhile, Angela is very focused on making Christmas special. And they put pieces together.
ANGELA: We’ll decorate this place and exchange handmade gifts.
GOODMAN: An excellent idea, Miss Montenegro.
ZACK: I can get behind that.
HODGINS: I’m in.
GOODMAN: As am I.
BOOTH: How ‘bout Bones? Aw, come on. What’s the deal with Bones and Christmas?
ANGELA: Last night I spun a little story about two young lovers running off to Paris. But the man never shows up, and the woman is left wondering what happened to him. And I say, “Imagine what that must have been like.” And Brennan says, “I don’t have to.”
BOOTH: Yeah I- I still don’t get it.
GOODMAN: Oh my God.
ANGELA: Brennan’s parents disappeared just before Christmas when she was fifteen.
GOODMAN: And she never knew what happened to them.
BOOTH: Oh, God. That explains a lot.
Angela still wants the party to happen.
ANGELA: Alright, we need a way to choose our Secret Santas.
ZACK: I could build a random generator.
GOODMAN: Ah, wouldn’t it be better to match complimentary people in a premeditated manner?
LOL, they are all so squinty. But Booth just puts names in a bucket.
BOOTH: Pick a name, and if you get your own, put it back in.
GOODMAN: Oh, that could work.
Booth and Brennan end up talking about Christmas as they work on the case.
BRENNAN: Anthropologically speaking, gifts are a way of asserting dominance in a group. Now imagine an entire holiday devoted to self-promotion, especially in this materialistic culture. How can you expect me to get behind that? How can you get behind it?
BOOTH: Wow, that’s deep. That’s a very deep pile of crap.
Goodman spills the beans.
GOODMAN: Decorations do not a Christmas make. Family and friends make Christmas.
HODGINS: We’re friends.
GOODMAN: We are colleagues, friends, coworkers, yes, but for a father like myself, like Agent Booth- -a few glowing test tubes don’t make up with missing Christmas morning with the children.
ANGELA: Excuse me?
ZACK: Be kind, rewind.
HODGINS: Booth has a kid?
GOODMAN: Ah. Well… Not common knowledge, I gather.
Hodgins spills more of the beans.
BRENNAN: I’m not really who you want to talk to about gifts. Wait- Booth has a kid?
HODGINS: You didn’t know?
HODGINS: I wasn’t the one who told you.
Can anyone remind of the timeline between Booth and Brennan’s 1st case and now? How long did he not reveal his child to her?!
Brennan sneezes, is it a symptom?
BRENNAN: I sneezed because the air is dry. It’s not valley fever.
GOODMAN: Any other symptoms? Headache?
ZACK: Any foul smelling pustules on your shins?
Hahahaha. Oh Zack.
They continue to investigate. The squint squad considers religion.
GOODMAN: You suppose Lionel came up here to procure an abortion?
ANGELA: You know what? This isn’t a very Christmas Eve type story.
BRENNAN: Of course it is. The whole Christ myth is built upon the travails of an unwed mother.
BOOTH: Okay, can we just stop bringing up the whole Christ myth thing? Alright, some people believe it’s more than just a myth.
BRENNAN: Well, who besides you?
GOODMAN: That would be me, Dr. Brennan. I’m a deacon at my church.
ANGELA: I do. Christmas and Easter, anyway.
HODGINS: Although I believe organized religion is just another political movement designed to control the masses, doesn’t mean God doesn’t love me.
ZACK: Hey, I’m a rational empiricist all the way. Unless you talk to my mother. Then I’m Lutheran.
HAHAHAHA. Zack. Stop. He’s on a roll this episode!
BRENNAN: I can understand why you’d be sensitive, Booth. You have a child out of wedlock.
HAL: Visiting hours, folks.
Cue the montage of sweet family moments.
Brennan and Angela talk.
ANGELA: I know your parents disappeared just before Christmas.
BRENNAN: My brother Russ was nineteen and we were still in the house.
ANGELA: That must’ve been strange.
BRENNAN: Russ found our presents in my parents’ room…and Christmas Eve, when I was asleep, he snuck down and made Christmas, trying to do the right thing for me.
ANGELA: Christmas for his little sister.
BRENNAN: But when I came down and saw the lights and the presents…
ANGELA: You thought your parents were back.
BRENNAN: I just expected to see them, sitting there, drinking their coffee, watching Russ and me open our presents.
ANGELA: Oh my God.
BRENNAN: I kind of lost it. I refused to open the presents until they came back… It was like I told Russ he wasn’t enough family for me. Before New Years, he went out west to work and I was in the foster system….The tree is really, really beautiful, Ange. Really.
Angela prompts Brennan to help Ivy find the answers she never got. Booth finds her in her office.
BOOTH: You find something?
BRENNAN: Two things that fit together.
Is it you and Booth?!!? Oh, wait, not for a few more years!
BOOTH: Angela sent me. She says it’s Christmas. (But I’m still a little salty about that comment earlier)
BOOTH: You still think there’s more to learn about Lionel Little and Ivy Gillespie?
BRENNAN: There’s always more to learn.
BRENNAN: Hey. I’m sorry you didn’t get Christmas morning with your little boy.
At Angela’s long-awaited Christmas party, Zack nails the gift.
ZACK: It’s a self-propelled, non-autonomic unit.
HODGINS: It’s a robot.
ZACK: I thought if we get out of here in time today, you could give it to your son.
BOOTH: Merry Christmas.
They get the all-clear on their health, and everyone runs out….except Booth, who as always, turns to Brennan.
BRENNAN: Go. Go have Christmas. Wish your boy merry Christmas for me.
BOOTH: I’m at Wong Foo’s if you decide you want company.
BOOTH: Merry Christmas, Bones.
Brennan meets with Ivy and gives her closure.
Then, she actually goes to Wong Foo’s!
BRENNAN: Ivy Gillespie came to the lab after you left, with her granddaughter….Don’t you want to know what happened?
BOOTH: I know what happened. You told her about Careful Lionel. You showed her the letters, the tickets. She cried. But you made her happy.
BRENNAN: Not to mention I gave her a penny worth over a hundred thousand dollars.
BOOTH: She won’t care about that today. You just gave somebody the best Christmas gift they could every get. Who’s the Secret Santa now?
BOOTH: And that weirdo assistant of yours just made me the coolest dad in the world.
BOOTH (in a whisper): Can you say ‘Merry Christmas’?
PARKER (to Brennan): Merry Christmas!
Brennan goes back to her happy place, the lab, and opens the Christmas gift.
Such an amazing Bones episode. Written, of course, by evil genius Hart Hanson. Thoughts?